The REAL Secrets of Happiness My observation about our current culture is that we want to be happy, and really don't know how. This problem has been exacerbated by the messages in movies, television, and other influential media, that promote a consumer-oriented, immediate gratification society. We are replete with 'reality' based shows like "For Love or Money", "Average Joe" and "The Bachelor" that don't even begin to take into consideration a person's requirements of relationship, let alone honesty and integrity. Why they call them "Reality" shows, I'll never know! Get REAL! We seem to feel entitled to be able to buy and get what we want with little effort on our part, and no consequences to speak of. We have been conditioned that happiness comes from the outside, by having enough money, the car we want, the job we want, and the partner we want. Then, when we get what we want, we find that we aren't happy and off we go in search of more stuff, a bigger car, more money and another partner! What we all need to realize and understand is happiness is an inside job and these Secrets of Happiness are the key… These Real Secrets of Happiness are quite contrary to the messages found in the entertainment media. Many of us (consciously or unconsciously) want to believe the commercials' promises and don't want to look at the reality. And then we wonder why our lives and our relationships have gone so awry! The following "Secrets" can help you create TRUE Happiness in your life: If you want a partner, be a partner Many of us have a wonderful, romantic, Vision of the life partnership we want; the reality is that great relationships require a lot of self-work and effort on your part in the relationship. If you feel like you are putting more effort into the relationship than your partner, you're probably doing it right. The good news is that you CAN live your Vision, the challenge is that the effort must come from YOU. The journey is the destination We tend to focus on goals and results, which works well in many areas of our life, but not so well in our relationships. Chances are, you will always be striving toward the relationship you really want, and will never "arrive." The destination of Life is Death, the awareness of which pushes us to be present in the moment, because we realize that is all we really have. Similarly, our journey with our partner is all we really have. Learning to be present with and to appreciate the journey is the path to happiness. The journey can be longer and more challenging than expected We are an impatient culture that wants immediate results: that instant gratification, the magic bullet, the quick cure. While some of us have the work ethic and self-discipline for the sustained effort necessary to be successful, few of us are happy doing so. We look around and everyone else seems to get what they want so easily, and we wonder why it has to be so hard for us. Truly accepting this principle is a necessary step toward happiness. Have goals while detaching from the outcomes While having goals and wanting results is natural, letting go and detachinh from outcomes seems to be a necessary ingredient to happiness. This means being able to "go with the flow," to be flexible and creative, to view mistakes and failures as opportunities. Success and happiness come from a yin/yang balance of ambition and acceptance, assertion and tolerance, firmness and flexibility, choice and fate, having goals and letting go of outcomes. Detaching from the outcome of a situation provides a more peaceful space in which to operate. Grow up and take full responsibility for you There is a wonderful book on this subject that I highly recommend by Dr. Frank Pittman: "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You A Happy Adult," (St. Martin's Press, 1998), which does an excellent job of explaining how we have become a society of victims, narcissists, and adolescents, and what to do about it. He writes: "...happy grown-ups take responsibility. They take responsibility for their bodies, their characters, and their relationships. They own their lives and they own up to the choices they make. Finding the responsible thing to do is the lifelong quest for grown-ups. And it leads to real, grown-up happiness..." (page 278) Another good book about taking responsibility is "The Corporate Mystic" by Gay Hendricks and Kate Ludeman. This book bases most of its theories within the business realm, however all of the information within can be easily translated to all areas of your life. To be happy we must grow, to grow we must stretch Our human nature is to have an inner conflict between comfort and challenge, growth and inertia. Balancing these opposing forces within us is an on-going effort. When we lean too far towards comfort, we risk stagnation, complacency, inertia. Too much challenge can lead to stress and burn-out. Too often our culture overvalues comfort and undervalues effort. Through skillful coaching, you can get what you want while being gently stretched and supported past your comfort level to a place of growth. To get it, you have to give it away This is a paradox that challenges the "Me" generation. We are much more motivated to "get" than to "give," which wreaks serious havoc in our relationships. When we focus on giving and let go of keeping score, we have a chance of finding happiness in our life and relationships. And when we give, it's best to strive to give unconditionally. When we attach a price to our giving, it takes away the sheer pleasure of giving and makes it an unpleasant situation for both parties involved. What goes around comes around There is a consequence for your every choice and action. Of course we want our choices to be successful and get us what we want, and we resist acknowledging the possibility or reality of undesired outcomes. While this may seem simple and obvious, the spread of AIDS, multiple divorces, unwanted children, etc, are caused by people that are going after what they want and ignoring future consequences. Before you take your next action, think of the consequences of that action and how it will affect not only the people directly involved but those who may be affected by that action's ripples. Choose your choices and actions wisely and look beyond the action or choice to its consequence. The Truth will set you free Most of us struggle with a dissonance between what we want and what we have, the way things "should" be with the way things are, what we WANT to believe and the reality. When we can let go of our fears and ego enough to accept the truth about ourselves, life, relationships, etc., we open the door to the possibility of happiness. Our relationships are our mirrors The definition of intimacy that I like is "Into Me I See." This can be quite challenging and uncomfortable, as we will experience the parts of ourselves that we don't like (our "shadows") as well as what we want to see. Happiness in a relationship means learning to use the relationship to learn and grow, which means taking full responsibility and even embracing our shadows when they get reflected to us. Happiness is an Inside Job How many times do you hear people say: "When I have that new car, I'll be happy." Or "Once I move into my new house, I'll be happy." Or "As soon as I get that promotion, I'll be happy." Or "I'll be happy once I hit the lottery." And on and on and on. Reality Check! That new car, new house, promotion, new relationship, new gadget, and financial windfall aren't going to make you happy because Happiness is an Inside Job. Yes, you may feel elated and thrilled driving that new car or setting up your new corner office, but eventually the thrill will fade away and you'll be off searching for something else to "make" you happy. Happy starts within. Remember, many rich, successful people are very unhappy. And many people who seem to have nothing are the happiest people in the world. Change your attitude and create your happiness within and you'll be able to carry that with you forever. With internal happiness you get through the rough spots easily and enjoy the good times even more. Move beyond the past and into the NOW Sure, situations and words often hurt us. However, it's really important to leave them in the past and move into the present moment. The present moment is all we REALLY have and carrying those past hurts with you through life uses up valuable energy and drags you down. Do what you can to forgive those who have hurt you in the past and move on. Remember that forgiving isn't condoning their behavior. And it doesn't mean you have to allow people to continue to hurt you. Create healthy boundaries to protect yourself from toxic people and situations - you'll be amazed at the freedom you experience when you do this! Holding a grudge only hurts you - often times, the person you are holding a grudge against doesn't even know this or care. Let go of the past. Move into the present moment. Ask yourself: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy." I encourage you to choose happiness, now. Thoughts truly do become things This is vital news. Everything that ever was or is or will be started with a thought. What you experience in your life today, is the result of thoughts you embraced yesterday, or months ago, or even years ago. The thoughts you think today will create your future. Choose good thoughts and you will create good things in your life. Choose unhealthy thoughts and you will create not so good things in your life. It's that simple. Simple, and not always easy. Make it a conscious choice today to be aware of your thoughts - thoughts of judgment, anger, negativity, faultfinding, sarcasm can do nothing but wreak havoc in your life later. Positive thoughts of peace, love, reconciliation, acceptance and compassion will help you craft a more loving and abundant future. (Original work by David Steele, adapted and revised by Brenda Zeller) Questions to Ponder Which of these Secrets do you disagree with? Why? Which of these Secrets really resonates with you? Why? Which of these Secrets are you most challenged by? Why? Which of these Secrets do you know to be true, but resist taking action on? Why? Which of these Secrets are you ready to fully embrace and bring into your life? Coaching can help you unlock the Secrets of Happiness. Through collaboration with a masterful coach, you can bring more meaning, fulfillment and vitality into your life. Opening to the Secrets of Happiness can create dazzling relationships in every area of your life: family, friends, financial, spiritual, health, life partner and more! If you are ready to start your journey towards happiness and abundance, call me! I will be honored to work with you as your coach - helping and supporting you in expanding your already wonderful life into one that is jazzed, exciting and filled to the brim with true Happiness and Abundance!